Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
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Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Breaking news:
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them