I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out