Waffles make excellent pill organizers
You Might Also Like
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
A leaf blower, but for people.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you