waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
You Might Also Like
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML