if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Care for your back
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed