They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*