Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Velcrow
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.