If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
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People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)