Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
You Might Also Like
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
May never get over this
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Sooo many times…..
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”