My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you