Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Fluff me with a fork baby
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.