Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I am crying
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Pickled cat.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.