Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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an airline just for babies.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.