Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
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Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
And bowling should be called pinball
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.