*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Godspeed, John Glenn
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
lmao
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.