You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
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My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Chicago sounds lovely.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My biological clock is wheezing.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.