I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!