Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
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I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
mood
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”