Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
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Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.