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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Hot Hot Hot
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.