God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
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I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Can Happiness buy money?
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.