Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.