I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
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There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good