“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.