My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒