[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
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I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My loaf of bread looks terrified
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer