Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads