(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
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Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.