I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”