This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.