You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
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Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time