No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.