[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Beauty and the Beast
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
spicy snake
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Hitlers gonna hitl
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!