[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…