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2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
But that’s none of my business
guys I’m going home
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
They say women only use 10% of their anger