my nickname in college
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I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I’m having an out of money experience.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?