I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
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there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.