[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.