I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Good advice.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.