Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
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I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Mad Max Arctic Road
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.