When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.