A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?