The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Breaking news:
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.