[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
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This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*