Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
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I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.