THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.