One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*puts my mental health in rice
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.