8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
#parenting
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Noted.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
#SuperBowl
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I wish I were this cool 😂
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.