Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
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Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids