Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom